12 Shoes Of Christmas
Twelve Shoes of Christmas
Bing Crosby’s version is best. It’s jaunty and brings Christmas into focus in a way that only an obsessive-compulsive ornithologist can. With men notoriously known for buying atrocious gifts and really not understanding that all women want in life is some time and a good pair of shoes (as well as all the other things on their never-ending list) – here are the 12 shoes that I hope Bing, or someone equally as suave, would sing into actuality for you.
One the 1st day of Christmas…
I wear these everywhere. The reason they’re in the coveted “Partridge in a Pear Tree” spot on this list is because there’s enough colours and patterns to keep buying them on repeat – and I have! They’re washable, they’re comfortable, and I feel spry and fun even if the rest of my outfit isn’t as jubilant as my shoes. Plus, there’s the added bonus that I feel like I could suddenly wander onto a tennis court or into a field of croquet players and I would just immediately know what to do. They’re the every-shoe. They are very much the thing your true love would give to you.
On the 2nd day of Christmas…
I wish there was some way to explain why espadrilles look good on every single foot. The sleek, woven wedge; the suede peep toe; the sling-back – it just works. They can be dressed up. They can be dressed down. You feel like you can take flight from marble staircases of a Hamptons mansion, to the polished echoing decks of a beach house, to the supple sand-lined paths surrounding busy beaches, and everything in between, highlighting a toned calf and never losing a step. 2 turtle doves are what you feel like you’re walking on…also, you should by 2 pairs for the colours and general emotional reassurance they offer.
On the 3rd day of Christmas…
These mesh nests bring the avant-garde to your feet and here’s the thing, if you think they’re odd and you can’t wear them, you’re wrong. The French know fashion, and I’m always surprised how well these work with different outfits, no matter the circumstance or colour palette. You could imagine 3 clucky French hens wandering around Paris or Lyon or Nice, classy as ever, cascading into a fabulous dinner or running to the local market to pick up fresh tomatoes and blooming peonies. It’s the kind of energy I wish to emulate in my life and I know these are the way to set that precedent.
On the 4th day of Christmas…
In summer, I live in thongs. But that means they can wear out quickly, give me cracked heels and make me look homeless or like I’m in a perpetual hurry, which I never am, unless you count wanting to get home before I run into anyone. Good think (thank you) there’s a company that thought this through. Even now I can feel the supple leather and supportive sole giving way under my feet like fairy floss disintegrating or nestling into a feather eiderdown. Knowing that I can look stylishly practical by effortlessly slipping into a pair of thongs makes me want to call and coo about these shoes with anyone that will listen.
On the 5th day of Christmas…
I’m not a crazy busy person, but sometimes I wish I had a job that involved a clipboard and the need to run around with a sense of determination and purpose that resembled a hostile takeover of a small country, or a local preschool Grandparents Day. Because I would have the prefect footwear. I’d feel sturdy and secure and if any country knows how to put functionality and performance into footwear, it’s the Germans. And with 5 shades of gold ringing through these lace-ups, it feels like I’m a messenger for the gods. Hermes’ winged sandals have nothing on me when I’m rocking a pair of these.
On the 6th day of Christmas…
Much like Verruca Salt finds the golden egg in Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, geese have been laying these beauties at and on my feet in every colour imaginable and I feel like I’ve fixed the system and won the golden ticket! You know when you find a pair of shoes that you just know will be there for you; that will never fail you; that will work with everything and never let you down? Like the best friend you find in primary school or the one decent guy you find against all odds in a sea of Mervins; you hold tight because you can’t imagine the day you’ll ever be parted.
On the 7th day of Christmas…
I have the world’s fattest feet. I wish I wore size 38, with a slim arch and toes that didn’t look like an afterthought. In these shoes, I don’t try and wedge my feet in, but rather they slide straight in, with only a slight peak of my toes showing through. I’m strapped into soft Spanish leather where I feel lighter than air and as elegant as a wedge of swans in flight. I want an excuse to wear these at every turn, and they’re versatile enough that I can. Thank you Spain, thank you breathable leather, thank you Velcro strap; my Shrek feet bow down to you.
On the 8th day of Christmas…
These just make me wish I knew how to bake or could catch a Frisbee with flair, like every independent, killer Aussie woman I see roaming the streets around me. Wearing these, you could be anyone or do anything. Liberal fashion student? Tick. Mum with a toddler? Yep. Hipster beach babe? You bet. Someone who makes their own Kombucha? Probably. Retiree doing some light gardening? Of course. The one person you know who’s really into essential oils? Oh, yeah. Milk maid? Why on earth not. Between the durable sole and super cute tassels, these Australian-designed/ Turkish-made shoes are a sensational hybrid for every walk of life.
On the 9th day of Christmas…
These wedges are everything I wish I was in life. I remember seeing them on the shelf in the store and literally gasping, being drawn forward like Aurora to the needlepoint in Sleeping Beauty. I was entranced. As was my sister standing next to me. That’s the effect these Ara have. You can just imagine all ladies dancing in these, instantly made sophisticated, flawlessly quipping with ease, triumphantly turning heads and powerfully carving a path for themselves like Moses parting the Red Sea. Their colour palette means they’ll work with anything and I’ll be considered a genius for knowing their true talent and beauty. They are Meryl Streep and I am unworthy.
On the 10th day of Christmas…
I don’t know why, but firm, thick elastic makes you feel secure in a way that boyfriends, careers and Spanx don’t. It moves with you as if holding you close and whispering, “I’ve got you girl. I’ll never let go.” They’re bright and vibrant and immovable in their ability to keep you going, even if you’ve been on your feet all day. You could leap and jump and bob and swerve, and you’d never feel for a moment that you were out of step or not in control. In fact, leap into the arms of a passing man, point to your feet and hopefully that’ll give him something to aim for.
On the 11th day of Christmas…
Nautical themes must know how good they look. I mean, they could make a pig’s trotter look sassy and chic. I want an entire brass band celebrating just how good these shoes look. Trumpets, flutes, saxophones…pipers perhaps? These feel like the modern equivalent of a pair of shoes that you’d wear to a clam bake in the 1950s. Full skirt, curled hair, dreamboat named Harvey or Bobby or Chip swinging you around on the dance floor. You can smell the salty sea breeze as you lower your cat eye sunglasses and swing these shoes from your fingertips. What a blast!
On the 12th day of Christmas…
These are the finale and ultimate triumph in all of the footwear kingdom. These are what Bing has been building towards. There an artwork of colours, because Arche know what they’re doing, and you could march all day long, banging drums, clanging symbols, decorating trees, feeding kids, cooking ham, serving drinks, packing a dishwasher, laughing loudly, walking the dogs and dancing into the summer nights and your feet would still be wondering why they aren’t tired and why they still look so damn good. The answer: Arche. The shoes do all the work, and help carry the weight of all the compliments you’ll be lugging around.